When the Hurt Pulls Back

Man of tremendous courage. Last year, was in good health, worked full-time in the post office, played soccer, met his friends to play dominoes, enjoyed life. He lived at home with his wife and two sons—K and N. He was clearly the head of the household.

He developed chest pain suddenly and was brought to Metropolitan Hospital Emergency Room, had emergency repair of a dissecting aortic aneurysm. He had a stroke in the days following the surgery with paralysis of his left arm and weakness of his left leg. Now he is unable to use his left arm. He can walk with a cane and a left leg brace.

He is home now all day in a wheelchair. His family had to move to a new apartment because the doors in the old apartment were not wide enough for his wheelchair. He has a home attendant. His wife and sons are still at home, but it is very difficult for them all. This has been a horrible ordeal for the whole family. The patient feels all his losses. He sometimes feels pitied by his wife. He knows there is still deep love between them, and with his sons and granddaughter of 10 months, Ela. Yet, he feels no longer in charge. — Rita Charon, Narrative Medicine: Attention, Representation, Affiliation

Tears are running down my face as I read the passage above. It is because the kind of attention described in that passage felt very far away. How lucky the patient is. At least he has someone who supports him, listening to him from the bottom of her heart.

I tell myself I have fully accepted the fact that I experienced academic delays and repeated years. But reading that passage pulls me back into what happened during the past years.

Up until the very end of my second year, I was a diligent, conscientious medical student. I would start preparing for exams three weeks in advance, and I never walked away from a lecture in the middle of class the way some of my classmates did. But everything gradually changed. It started with genuine hope and excitement, and turned into a severe stressor that led to my academic delays.

I cannot recover the lost time, nor the massive financial burden it placed on my life. I know I need to move on, but this is too heavy to carry alone - especially forcing myself to smile or to pretend to be normal when it was hard. I tried to maintain the "connection", but I realized I need to protect my boundaries and step away to heal. I'm sorry.